This ‘One Hit Christmas Blunders’ article was written by Hannah Stevenson
Christmas is the time for fun, reflection, family and most importantly Christmas tunes. Whatever your philosophical view on the holiday season there is a song out there for you, and whilst some Christmas tunes are truly timeless, there are many that, deservedly, have been forgotten. We explore a number of tunes which highlight the madness of Christmas consumerism and were thankfully forgotten by the New Year, when music lovers realised these songs for the mistakes they are.
Blink-182 – Happy Holidays, You Bastard
Oh teenage angst. It’s lovely to see that you’ve wormed your way into Christmas with this crass, annoying song which is clearly supposed to be a tirade against consumerism but frankly, just sounds like vitriolic whinging.
Eric Cartman Singing O Holy Night
The nasal tones of a cartoon character literally being cattle prodded into performing a whiny rendition of a timeless Christmas carol is a clever satire of the festive period, but there is a place for South Park, and that place is very far away from Christmas celebrations.
The Wurzels – Come On Santa
Let’s face it, this is basically the tune to their only hit, Combine Harvester, superimposed with lacklustre, witless lyrics which are neither cheery nor festive. The best thing about this song is that at least it’s an excuse to swear at Christmas.
Wildbunch – Xmas Xorcismus (ho ho ho)
Even those who actually like screeching guitar and tunes played out predominately in shrill synth will have trouble finding anything enjoyable in this dull, repetitive song. Also there is nothing to sing along to, which should be a legal requirement of a Christmas song. If you’re going to drunkenly warble with your shambolic relatives it should at least be to something vaguely festive and recognisable.
The Wombles – Wombling Merry Christmas
Is Wombling a verb? It really shouldn’t be. This reviewer is not sure what ‘Wombling in the snow’ is, but it sounds like a euphemism, and combined with the deep but somehow equally shrill voice makes for a disturbing song.
Anything – Pinky and Perky and Alvin And The Chipmunks – Christmas Song
The shrill sounds of two terrifying animated pigs is not jolly, sweet or even novel, it is disturbing. Thankfully now confined to the cheaper Christmas compilation albums these awkward tunes should not be inflicted on anyone, even if it is in the name of Christmas. In fact, squeaky voices used to represent any animated animals are not the stuff of Christmas classics. Also given that within the dismal offering from Alvin and the Chipmunks the only recognisable words are ‘Christmas Time’ this is less of a song and more of an noise disturbance.
Max Headroom – Merry Christmas Santa Claus
Any song that contains the word ‘callosotomy’ should not be allowed to infect an otherwise cheery holiday. The creepy non-singing and deranged, slightly stalkerish lyrics, make this song more of Christmas turkey than a carol.
Enya – Trains and Winter Rains
There’s something catchy about this punchy little track, but it’s neither festive nor particularly memorable, and it conveys no message on the subject of the actual festive season- neither a religious message, nor a human one or even a critique on materialism.
Bo Selecta – Proper Crimbo
Genuinely funny in parts, this is ultimately an exercise in remembering how awful celebrities were in the not so distinct past. Vulgar, awkward and full of references to bodily fluids, this is a song that deserves a re-visit, if only to remember the time when we actually found this stuff hilarious.
Crazy Frog – Last Christmas
What was basically a ringtone that got out of hand, it always amazes me that this ‘song’ actually got released. Basically just a cover of Last Christmas with a synthetic occasionally trilling ‘ring ding ding’ this is a truly terrible song that even the worst mother in law does not deserve to be subjected to.
So there you have it, a display of the very worst that past Christmases have had to offer musically. From animated rodents to deranged West Country warblers these are the pick of the worst songs ever to disgrace the festive season, and here’s to hoping that 2015 will not herald a new edition to next year’s list.